Painful feelings
by Calleigh's little girl
Summary: The BAU team is working on a tough case,while they still have to deal with the fact that Elle had leftwhat is especially hard for Hotch.The case gets personal for them when it brings Elle back to themin one way or the other..Chap3 is finally up!Please R
1. A latenight call

**Discs.:Well, I don't own Criminal Minds - or its characters...**

**A/N:Okay, this is the first fanfic I ever published** **(even if there are nearly hundred ideas in my head...)!If the rating is the wrong one (or there is something else I could change to do a better job here) please tell me!I have to admit that this was not read by any beta - so please forgive me any spelling, or grammar mistakes...Maybe I should mention that there are spoliers for all episodes up to "The Boogeyman" (especially for "The Fisher King 1&2", "Psychdrama" and "The Boogeyman")...  
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**However this is an Elle/Hotch fic**, **and even if I know that there are not many fans of this pairing out there - please do me a favor and read it! - I PROMISE IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH IT!!!**

**Now, enjoy reading the first chapter...**

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Painful feelings 

_1.A late-night call_

It was hard for him to understand why she had left. Three days had passed now and he hadn't slept at all. It was obvious that everybody around him was wondering what was going on in his head, but he was not willing to let anyone in. The truth was : It was eating him slowly away from the inside. He was missing her so much. He had called her for so many times, but she hadn't answered even one of his calls. He had stopped by at her place all three evenings. Her car had been standing in front of her house, but when he ringed the doorbell she hadn't opened.

_Two days later_ :

They were working on a case involving the raping and killing of 24 young women, luckily it was a case in DC, what meant that he hadn't to leave town and to tell his wife how sorry he was for being so absent from home.

They had decided to take a break and to get a bit of sleep so he had gone home, when he finally arrived he knew Haley would want to know what was wrong with him, but he wasn't up for that now.

Hours later, when he laid in bed next to his wife his cell phone started ringing. Unwillingly Hotch got up to answer it. On his way out of the room, so that Haley could sleep, he wondered, what it even mattered to have to get to the office in the middle of the night when he wasn't able to sleep at all.

He closed the bedroom-door and answered the call : "Hotchner…"

He was interrupted by a totally desperate sounding Morgan : "You have to get to the office – now!" He only said okay and prepared himself for telling Haley that he would have to get to the office as soon as possible.

"Haley?"

She turned toward him : "What? You don't want to tell me you have to get back to the office, yet, do you?!"

"It's an emergency…" he was sounding sad.

"Fine!" The fights between them were, since Elle had been shot, nothing unusual anymore…He assumed it had something to do with the fact that he had missed the appointment he and Haley had at the hospital, because something was wrong with Jack. But, goddamn, that was weeks ago - and only one of the reasons... He realised that he had to get to the office - it had to be something serious, considering the fact how Morgan had sounded on the phone. So he just turned away and left for the office.

_At the office_ :

"Okay, what's that emergency all about?" Hotch was aware how stressed he sounded and it was true he was totally exhausted and depressed since what had happened to Elle. He was angry about everything and everybody. When he saw the pain in the faces of his colleagues he got worried.

"It's Elle…" Gideon told him in a matter-of-factly way.

Hotch was totally shocked – the thought that something could have happened to her again was too hard and painful to handle for him. But he had to focus onto work, so he forced his voice to sound as normal as possible when he asked : "What is it?"

"One of her neighbors called the police when he heard shots from her house…" Morgan said in a low voice, which was filled with emotions. "For now we don't know anything – but it could be linked to our case…I mean, look at the pictures of the victims – she is fitting the profile of the unsub's targets perfectly fine…"

They were all silent for a moment then Hotch ordered : "We should take a look onto the scene to find out what exactly happened!"

The team got ready and forty-five minutes later two black SUVs parked in front of Elle's house.

_Tbc_

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**A/N: I hope you liked it...However, please send me a lot of REVIEWS and tell me what you think - if you have some ideas or advice for me how to become a good writer and to make this a great fic, please feel free to let me know! I hope I will be able to update soon!**


	2. So the drama begins

**Discs.:I don't own the show or its character!**

**A/N: I finally have finished th new chapter. I know it is a bit short but I hope you will still like it...**

**Well, I thank all my readers - especially those of you who have reviewed - and I want to thank once again my beta jadedragon500 for her help!**

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**Painful feelings**

_2. So the drama begins_

When they entered the house Hotch prepared himself for seeing blood wherever he turned. Memories came rushing back to him – memories of how he had cleaned the house after Elle had been shot, memories of the blood on the wall…

They turned on the lights and saw in the same moment the signs of a struggle – and blood. The only thought, which was running through Hotch's mind was_not again, please god, not again_…

But aloud he said, "Get the CSI here…We need to know if it is her blood!" Then he turned around to take a look through the rest of the house.

_Back at the office :_

"Okay so what do we have so far?" Hotch asked while he looked into the faces of his colleagues where he found nothing but fear and worry. He tried to fake a reassuring expression on his own face, but knew he was failing miserably.

Morgan came from Garcia's office looking through a report in his hands. "Garcia checked Elle's phone records…Nothing special, she ordered some takeout from an Asian restaurant – Wait a sec…"

"You found something?" Reid asked.

"Well, there are quite a few calls from Hotch…" Morgan looked through the pages while the others looked questioningly towards Hotch.

"Yeah, I called her, because I wanted to know how she is…" Hotch explained, knowing full well that Morgan would notice how many times he had called her.

"But a total of _fourteen times _as far as I can see – without having read all the pages?!" All the agents looked at their supervisor, totally confused by what they had just heard.

"What? I was worried – I mean, none of you saw the expression on her face when she left…She didn't answer anyway." Hotch was not in the mood to think about his reasons for calling Elle so many times, nor to be questioned by his colleagues about his motives for doing so, not to mention that he was certainly _not_in the mood to think too deeply about his feelings for his former subordinate.

Before the others had time for any further questions concerning what they just heard from Morgan and their boss a cellphone started ringing.

When Hotch answered it his facial expression changed to a totally annoyed one and he interrupted the other person, "Listen Haley, could we discuss this some other time…" he listened for a while and told his wife then, "You know, I don't have time right now for this…Fine." He hung up and then turned his attention to his team members once again- "Have we anything else, yet – except the phone records?"

JJ, who had been on the phone herself broke the silence : "That was the lab. The blood which was found in Elle's living-room – it was hers…" she trailed off.

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! Please send me a lot of reviews! I hope I will be able to update soon...**


	3. Anxiety

**Discs.: I don't own the show or the characters...**

**A/N: I finally found the time to write an update for this fanfic...It wasn't corrected by anyone so please forgive me any mistakes - I just wanted to post this asap...**

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Painful feeling**

_2.Anxiety_

They all let their heads drop, letting the bad news sink in - all except of Hotch, who tried to display strength and to keep his composure, while his mind was racing. He felt so guilty for what happened - if he had made her stay with the BAU nothing of this would have happened. But he had let her go...It was his fault that once again something awful happened to Elle - and he knew it...He felt totally empty, the only things left were anxiety, worry, pain and guilt, then there were his increasing marriage-problems and the empty space Elle's leaving had caused - it was slowly getting all too much for him, and the fact that Elle was invading his mind more and more wasn't making it any easier. He had fallen for her a long time ago, he just realized in that moment.

"What are we going to do now? I mean we have no leads to follow..." JJ wondered.

"We keep digging - like we always do." Hotch turned around and left for his office.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Morgan asked.

"I don't know..." Gideon looked worried.

"He changed a lot since Elle had been shot..." Reid mused.

After Gideon had given assignments to the others he went to Hotch's office.

"What is wrong with you?" Gideon looked at Hotch.

"It is my fault..." Hotch didn't even look up.

"What do you mean?" Jason was curious.

"Everything...That she had been shot, that she left the team - that she has vanished...It's my fault that all of this happened to her."

"You know that this isn't true. - _None _of this is your fault!"

"I should have been there for her, I should have _protected _her! - But I didn't, and now she is missing, injured, maybe she is already dead - and even if not she is going to die if we don't find her soon...We are running out of time and have nothing to go on with, nothing that could lead us to her, we have nothing that could help us solving this case..."

"You have been on edge for a very long time - actually even before Elle had been shot...And those phone-calls of you...Why did you call her so often, I mean, if she didn't answered them why haven't you just given up ?"

"I needed to know that she is okay..." Hotch lifted his head and looked at his friend. "I'm worried about her..."

"We all are..." Gideon stopped mid-sentence when he saw the emotions which were displayed in Hotch's eyes. Before he was able to say something the door was opened and JJ told them that they might have found a lead. Hotch got up and went to follow JJ, but Gideon stopped him. Hotch glared at him, but Jason told him :

"Aaron, I know you are very worried about Elle, but the team needs you - _Elle _needs you - at your best, so don't let your emotions get the better of you - we don't have time to deal with this right now! I mean it, _this _could make it even harder to find her on time - and when there is one thing we don't have it is time to waste. - So focus on the case and let it rest for the time being. You got that?!"

Hotch was surprised that Gideon seemed to know exactly what he felt for Elle, but even more by the fact that his friend seemed to believe that he would let those feelings get in the way.

"Jason, you know me...I would never let something getting in the way of an investigation, you know that..."

"Yeah i just wanted to make sure."

Hotch looked for a moment at his friend, then he just turned and left for the conference-room.

Gideon watched his friend go and closed his eyes for a moment, before following him - this case could turn from bad to worse very fast. He of course trusted his friend and he hoped he wouldn't have later a reason to regret that.

_Tbc

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_**A/N: Hope you liked it - please take the time to review! I hope I will be able to update soon...**


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